She passed away last night.

When friends and colleagues are taken away through the silent violence of cancer….

_________________

In these last 10 months I have seen/felt/heard good friends and

devoted colleagues begin to fade away to cancer

it leaves me speechless - thoughtless….

I have no more tears - but the desperate need to hold on to each moment of contact with them - even if it is an email or an image

Depending on where I am placed - in my travels and habit-ation

I am near or far

and find myself constantly (and perhaps selfishly)

wishing only that she will wait at least

until I can see her again

waiting to see what she will teach me and leave me with as she departs

because her departing is so very inevitable

all of philosophy, literature, music, ideology and religion leaves me with

no answers to the questions

all the learning lost

the memories and stories they tell

lost

I constantly reach for recording machines - trying to capture everything I can

knowing that we live from moment to moment and I may never be

able to learn from them again…

But for now the only way I have of being with her is to edit, revise and re-member

the article

preparing to present it - remember her voice - hoping she will wait to hear the feedback and tell me where to go next…

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I watched how you are preparing for this unimaginable journey of yours

the celestial sailboats - nay Kayaks and rafts - are floating by your house…

as you give away worldly goods once precious to you

now

precious
to me

I watched you calmly smile at me and hand me objects

that but for you
would have no meaning for me

How can I wear these I thought
in a fleeting moment

without my heart breaking each time I wear them

How can you smile at me and still be so calm in your opinions and suggestions

How can you still be the one to guide me

How can I be still taking from you

as you leave us all….

But there on the banks of the Maumee river

it was always an auspicious place

you pointed outside your window to your beloved trees and talked of how you suddenly notice how much they’ve grown over the years - seeming to tell me to take the time for such things

yet again

mentoring me in how to live my life

as you have done

I have always leaned on you

expected you to help clear my doubts as I balance my work and life…

I still lean on you…

I expected to come to you for many things - to learn

as the years passed

I imagined sharing stories with you

and laughing

but one thing I never did expect from you

nor hope for

that you would teach me

that you would teach me

how to

die….